


Trauma

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Death, Gen, Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-10-17 10:32:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10592184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: After Nero, their world is in ruins.Most of the cadets they trained with have died, Pike is seriously injured, Vulcan gone.It'll take time to make it through. Some might not even make it.WIP.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Set after the 2009 movie because there's a hell of a fall out after what happened and it's just swept under the carpet and we get a fucking ceremony praising Kirk. Hello? How many people just died?

When your list of personal and professional failings is vast, having to detail one is not particularly pleasant. 

Still, it was his duty to detail the incident that had fell upon the Enterprise on her maiden voyage and left Captain Pike in a serious condition in hospital, several of the Enterprise crew dead, hundreds injured, thousands from the rest of the fleet dead, a planet gone along with millions of it's inhabitants and the remainder of that race on the endangered species list and the hardest one to accept, his mother gone. 

But this was an official Starfleet report and what could be more important than that?  
Spock cast his eye over the words but none of it was readable to him any more. They were words and as much as he scrolled over the screen, intending to read through what he'd written, it all just blurred into one big mess and in a moment of hast, he sent the file. 

Starfleet could work it out for themselves.  
For today, he had reached his limit. 

~

“It was a tragedy, but the achievements of the crew should be celebrated,” one of the Admirals was saying. Kirk had lost track which one it was. 

“I- Sir, I just don't think it's appropriate right now. Admiral Pike is still in a serious condition, we're still trying to work out exactly who died and-”

“Right, right, but once that's dealt with, we need to give everyone a positive shot in the arm. I'll get one of my girls to send out the memo.”

Kirk couldn't help but think his words had fallen on deaf ears. 

~

Starfleet was a mess. 

Hundreds of people were trying to find missing friends or relatives, the information boards were clogged with the same thing. It was utterly chaotic. 

The media were reporting the incident and how it wasn't known if the attacker was still at large.  
Starfleet issued a statement that the threat had been dealt with but would say no more, leading to speculation. 

“It's not too late to work in a nice normal hospital,” McCoy muttered to himself turning off the rolling news

“You're not going anywhere,” Kirk said. 

“I didn't sign up for this, Jim. This is too much.”

“People would be dead without you.” 

“The whole crew would be dead without you.”

“Well then you owe it to me to be my Doctor. You know, for saving your life.” 

“You're a little shit, you know that?” 

“Yep. But I need someone on my side, and that's you.”

~

Uhura couldn't sleep. 

The bedsheets were uncomfortable, itchy but really, she knew they were fine. So she stood at her window and looked out at the view. It would normally be so peaceful but people were still coming and trying to find out information. 

She hadn't seen Spock since she'd been debriefed. He'd been First Officer and Captain for part of the mission and had to go through some rigorous questioning.  
She was worried about him too. She knew how hard this was for him, at least she could try and imagine, but she'd never know.  
Back when she was at school, she remembered learning about the stereotypes of each species and how Vulcan's were said to be unemotional but that it wasn't true. They felt the same way as any human did, but controlled their response to it so they did not act rationally and Uhura was in awe of that. To be able to control yourself in such a way was something she couldn't imagine doing. 

So she knew inside of him he felt at least as bad as she did, but in reality, much much worse because he'd lost so much more.  
Ad unlike her, who could cry and scream about it if she wanted, Spock had to stay dignified and composed and be questioned on what happened, even though a human would be spared having to go through it all right then, Spock wasn't. 

~

If writing an account of what happened hadn't been bad enough, trying to explain what he'd meant when he wrote some of it was even harder. Especially when he couldn't remember all of what he'd written.  
When his mind had been so blank that the words that he typed were as new to him now as anyone else and he was being asked to justify them, explain them.  
And somehow, he kept coming up short. 

He thought they'd never release him from that room and eventually, someone entered and whispered to one of them. They told him they still needed to speak to him so he should stay close by.  
He resented them telling him what to do, and even more so that the one place he could think to run didn't exist any more. 

So he just left. Left the building, turned right and kept going, not thinking, just walking. 

Because if he walked far enough, eventually the screaming in his head would stop.  
Right?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so much wonderful feedback that I freaked a little with expectations here.  
> I hope you enjoy this and hopefully, much more to come. Excuse any typos. I'll go back and tidy these chapters up soon enough.

2.

It wasn't your fault. 

He'd heard that a few times since and hadn't believed it once.  
He had been the one at the controls, he'd been the one who had managed to save Kirk and Sulu seconds before.  
If Spock wanted too, he could watch every second of him saving their lives and failing his mother's. Spock had all the access codes to the ships security. 

Chekov knew why he hadn't been able to save her. Knew that with the black hole that had been created in the centre of Vulcan there was a bigger chance of failure, but he couldn't tell that to Spock, could he?  
And what would the Vulcan do? Tell him the statistical probability of his failure? Choke him like he had Kirk but to the point where he'd pass out? 

There was no coming to terms with it. He'd failed to save a life, that was something he'd have to live with.  
And he knew, despite the unpleasantness of it, he was the lucky one. 

~

He'd stayed behind in sick bay when the blast happened, the one that killed the CMO. 

He still remembered getting the call from Spock telling him he's inherited duties of the CMO. He remembered how mad he was at Spock for telling him something so stupidly obvious.

Much later, when Jim was provoking Spock on the bridge, he felt for the first time that sneaking Jim onboard had been the most terrible idea.  
He realised later that Jim did have a plan, but there was a time when he doubted his friend. Worried that this was just done as an act of revenge. Sure, it was clear that Spock shouldn't be in charge considering all that had happened, but they didn't have to force him out so publicly, did they? 

~

She left him a message. 

Asked him to just send her a message so she knew he was out of the debriefing. She'd found out that Spock had been dismissed a few hours ago.  
She called his room, left a message on his personal comm and eventually, when enough time passed with no word, she went to his room.  
There was no answer and she could hear the beeping from him comm unit inside. He'd either left it behind or was ignoring her. 

Neither one was good

~

His head was filled with noise. 

A noise he hadn't really listened too but had been there a while now. And now he had acknowledged it, he couldn't stop hearing it. But he didn't pay enough attention to it to truly comprehend it. He knew the sound even if he'd never heard it before. 

He walked until the streets were quiet. Too close to Starfleet and too many 'concerned citizens' came by. He needed peace.  
Found a temporary solace in a quiet area but as the sun rose in the sky, people emerged once again.  
And then he was getting looks of sympathy. 

A woman came up to him, told him how sorry she was for his loss.  
She had no idea. They were just words to her.  
He couldn't even care enough to pretend to be grateful.  
Instead he moved away, walked on. 

He didn't know when he'd stop, where he'd go.  
But he needed to be away from here. 

~

Jim quietly slipped into the room. 

He ignored the monitors and wires and sat down beside the bed. He didn't say anything, just reached for Pike's hand and held it.  
He felt better just from the closeness. 

His mind wandered, too all that had happened over the last couple of days. There was just so much still to sort out. He didn't see when Pike's eyes opened a crack, but he heard his voice, weak and broken but the words defying that. “Jim, did we save Vulcan?” Was all he managed to croak out and all Jim could do was smile, not knowing if he was crying out of relief or despair.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this took so long. Hope you like it.

When he returned, nothing was any different. 

There were still too many people around Starfleet and now, the looks of the people he knew were filled with concern. 

She came to him, eyes bright with moisture. “Where have you been?” she asked. She made no mention of how he'd not even changed his uniform. How he drew more attention to himself being the only one in his Science blues. 

“I needed... peace,” he said as he looked around at the scene surrounding him. She understood. He needed to be away from this. 

~

Jim pressed play on the message. 

Galia's face appeared on screen, her smile bright. “Hi Jim, just wanted to say I hope they throw the book at you for that stunt you pulled. You get what you deserved for making me help you cheat. Next time I see you, you're dead. Bye.”   
She finished with a wave and a wink before the screen went blank. 

He saved the message and sat back, staring blankly at the ceiling. 

~

He'd been concerned about his young friend. 

Chekov had certainly had a rough time on the ship, put into high-stress situations that none of them was ready to face, but he was so young. 

So Sulu had decided he'd look out for him because everyone was busy trying to sort out their own mess that somehow, that young genius seemed to have slipped through the cracks. 

He took him out for dinner and they talked. About what had happened, about their homes, their families. It was nice. It felt normal.   
They left together, walking towards Starfleet HQ where they were still staying until things got sorted.   
He said something, a chance remark that sent Pavel into fits of laughter. Sulu couldn't help but smile himself, teasing the younger man as they waited for the lift.   
Pavel's face was red with embarrassment when the lift doors opened trying to control his amusement and suppress the laughter but nothing could have sobered either of them up more than the sight of the Vulcan that stood before them. 

Not Spock thankfully. It would somehow have been worse to be laughing so much in front of him, but possibly his Father. It was hard to say. There had been several Vulcan's on board and neither of them had really spent much time observing them. But it made sense Spock's Father would be here at Starfleet. 

The smiles, the laughter, the hopeful feeling died in both of them as they stepped into the lift, watching the Vulcan gracefully walk away as the doors closed. 

~

She followed him to his quarters at Starfleet. 

Inside, everything was pristine as it always was.   
She stopped once the door closed behind her and watched him. 

He moved around the room as though he was seeing it for the first time. He didn't touch anything, just looked. 

“Spock?” she said when he'd continued in silence. 

He looked up and over to her, as though he was only just aware of her. His eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at her. “I need peace,” he said, voice rising with every word. “Why can you not give it to me?” he demanded of her, taking quick steps towards her. 

For the first time, she felt fear in his presence. Without a word, she turned and left him. 

~

Spock watched as Uhura left him. 

He had asked her for her comfort and she had fled. He was truly alone. He understood. He was a burden. She could find a worthy partner. Someone who was not broken.   
He did not blame her. 

His eyes fixed upon the rose. A potted plant his Mother had gifted him on her first visit. It was wilted. He had not watered it and it was suffering. He felt the urge to crush it under strong fingers, ending the misery.   
But it would not end his own. 

And he wished his own misery could be stopped so efficiently. 

~


End file.
